One of the best known customs of the Jewish people is that of Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Whether or not one is from a Jewish background, most people realize that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is an important step in the life of a Jewish child. As the Hebrew/ Aramaic name implies (bar is Aramaic for "son"; bat is Hebrew for "daughter"; mitzvah is Hebrew for "commandment"), this is a milestone in the life of a Jewish child. It is a time when the child takes responsibility for his or her own religious life. It is considered the biblical age of accountability. The child crosses that precarious gap between childhood and adolescence, with its requisite duties. The historical background of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah custom is somewhat more difficult to track than many other traditions. This is primarily because there is no specific reference to the ceremony in the Hebrew Scriptures. However, there are dozens of verses that support the idea that there is an age of accountability to the commandments of the L-rd. Some would find it ironic that the most detailed account of a Bar Mitzvah in the Bible is actually in the New Testament, at the "Bar Mitzvah" ceremony for Messiah Yeshua. However, much can be learned from the historical writings of the rabbis, through their various commentaries on the Scriptures. The ancient rabbis considered either age 12 or 13 to be both the age of accountability and the age of physical maturity. At this time, the child is responsible to start taking upon himself certain of the commandments and duties, such as celebrating the feasts of the Torah (see Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 16b). Up until that time, the parents take full responsibility for the child's actions, including vows, discipline problems and religious training (Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim 5:6). At age 12 (or some say 13), this relationship begins to change. Another talmudic quote states that this transitional time of life makes the child a Bar Mitzvah (Babylonian Talmud, Pirke Avot 5:24). Although the exact time of this change in duties was debated, the Talmud makes the recommendation that the child start observing the feasts one year prior to becoming an official Bar Mitzvah (Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 82a). The ancient commentaries note that, in the days of the Jerusalem Temple, the boy or girl would appear before the rabbis for a special blessing (Jerusalem Talmud, Sofrim 18:7). It seems that the official ceremony, now called a Bar Mitzvah, did not become commonplace until the Middle Ages. At the age of 13, a Jewish boy would have completed his early Hebrew and religious studies, and would therefore begin to participate in the Sabbath synagogue service to fulfill this requirement. A more modern adaptation gives Jewish girls the same honor, usually at the age 12, since it is presumed that they mature more quickly than their male counterparts. The main purpose of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony is to bean official initiation into adolescence and Jewish religious duties. TRADITIONAL JEWISH OBSERVANCEPreparing for such a transition in life does not happen overnight. indeed, most Jewish children spend several years in synagogue and Hebrew school studies, gradually working toward the goal of becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This course of study includes the Hebrew language, but is often supplemented with studies in Jewish history, tradition and Bible. The years of preparation are culminated with the BarlBat Mitzvah ceremony at a special synagogue service on a Sabbath close to the child's 13th birthday (12th for the girl). The actual ceremony is quite beautiful and significant. Symbolic of his or her new responsibilities, the boy or girl is prepared to actually lead a significant part of the synagogue service. Specifically, the child has mastered various parts of the liturgical service that, depending on the capabilities of the young student, may include such Hebrew prayers as the Sh'ma (Deuteronomy 6:4), the Amidah (18 Benedictions) and various Psalms. in addition to leading part of the service, the BarlBat Mitzvah also chants the traditional weekly reading from the Torah and the Prophets. Immediately before the Scripture readings, the child is given a very special honor. The cantor, or the father of the child, opens the ark containing the Torah scroll and places it in the arms of the BarlBat Mitzvah. After the appropriate blessings are chanted, a holy processional starts as the child walks the scroll down the aisles of the synagogue. It is common for people to show their reverence for the Word of G-d by reaching out and touching the mantle covering the Torah with their tallitot (prayer shawls) or siddurim (prayer books). The congregates face the direction of the scroll out of respect for G-d's Word, as the BarlBat Mitzvah marches up to the bimah (pulpit or platform). The Torah is opened and the BarlBat Mitzvah chants the opening blessings: Barukh atah Adonai, eloheynu melekh ha'olam, asher bakhar banu mikal ha'amim, Vnatan lanu et torato. Barukh atah Adonai, noteyn ha'torah. Amen. Blessed art Thou, 0 L-rd our G-d, King of the universe, who has chosen us from all peoples and given us the Torah. Blessed art Thou, 0 L-rd, giver of the Torah. Amen. The weekly Torah portion is traditionally blessed by seven readers, each one blessing a section of the reading. This would be followed by the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, who does the blessings and then reads from the Torah. The child does not just read the passage in Hebrew (which is challenge enough), but also chants the musical notes that accompany the reading, called the cantillation. These melodies are believed to date back to the time of Moses (seeDeuteronomy 31:19-22), and were codified in the Masoretic text of the Hebrew Scriptures. When the reading from the Torah scroll is finished, the BarlBat Mitzvah chants the following blessing: Barukh atah Adonai, eloheynu melekh ha'olam, asher natan lanu torat emet, Vchayey olam nata b'tokheynu. Barukh atah Adonai, noteyn ho'torah. Amen. Blessed art Thou, O L-rd our ,G-d King of the universe, who has given us the Torah of truth, and planted everlasting life in our midst. Blessed art Thou, O L-rd, giver of the Torah. Amen. The reading of the Haftarah (from the verb thaftir, "to dismiss") is called the maftir (from the same verb), because it occurs near the end of the synagogue service. The Haftarah is a selection from the prophetic writings that elucidates a theme found in the Torah portion. The reading begins with the last three verses from the Torah portion in order to avoid the impression that the Haftarah is equal in importance to the Torah and deserving of its own separate reader. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah child reads these maftir verses in the Torah, gives the closing blessing, and segues into the Haftarah. The child has a special challenge, as he or she must read the extra Hebrew plus chant a cantillation exclusively for the prophetic reading. Before the reader begins this last section, the following blessing is chanted: Barukh atah Adonai, eloheynu melekh ha'olam, asher bakhar binvi'im tovim, Vratzah b'divreyhem ha'ne'emarim be'emet. Barukh atah Adonai, ha'bokheyr ba'torah uvmoshe avdo, uvyisraeyl amo, uvinvi'ey ha'emet va'tzedek. Amen. Blessed art Thou, O L-rd our G-d, King of the universe, who has selected good prophets, taking delight in their words which were spoken in truth. Blessed art Thou, O L-rd, who has chosen the Torah, Thy servant Moses, Thy people Israel, and the prophets of truth and righteousness. Amen. All eyes are on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child as he or she chants the traditional reading from the Prophets. After this reading (which may be as short as a few verses or as long as two chapters) is finished, the child chants the closing blessing for the Haftarah portion This is too lengthy to quote here (refer to Scherman, The Rabbinica I Council of America Edition of The Artscroll Siddur-see bibliography-or any other traditional siddur), but includes such thoughts as blessing God for his faithfulness, mercy to Zion and even a prayer that Elijah would come soon to announce the days of Messiah. Having accomplished his or her primary task of chanting the Scriptures, the child presents the last part of the ceremony-the drashah ("sermon" or "teaching"). This is more commonly known as the BarlBat Mitzvah speech where the child gives a mini-sermon and thanks family and friends for participating in this joyous occasion. The child expounds upon the readings and how the passage is meaningful to his or her life. It can be quite inspiring to hear such comments from a teenager. The ceremony usually closes with the customary greetings and best wishes from family and friends. The synagogue may make various presentations to the child (e.g., certificates, a prayer shawl (for a boy), or a Bible). Girls often receive their first pair of sabbath candlesticks. Quite often, the synagogue service is followed by a reception or party in honor of the new Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Gifts, food and Israeli folk-dancing usually abound to celebrate the joy of this occasion, of becoming a son or daughter of the commandment. RELEVANCE TO THE NEW TESTAMENTAs mentioned previously, the BarlBat Mitzvah ceremony is not specifically found in the Hebrew Scriptures. However, the rabbinic commentaries contain many references to a ceremony that marks the age of accountability. Surprisingly, the clearest account of an ancient Bar Mitzvah ceremony is found in another Jewish book-the New Testament. Every year Yeshua's parents went to Yerushalayim [Jerusalem] for the festival of Pesach (Passover). When he was twelve years old, they went up for the festival, as custom required. But after the festival was over, when his parents returned, Yeshua remained in Yerushalayim. They didn't realize this; supposing that he was somewhere in the caravan, they spent a whole day on the road before they began searching for him among their relatives and friends. Failing to find him, they returned to Yerushalayim to look for him. On the third day they found him-he was sitting in the Temple court among the rabbis, not only listening to them but questioning what they said; and everyone who heard him was astonished at his insight and his responses (Luke 2:41-47). This Bar Mitzvah ceremony must have been very important for the New Testament writers, since this is the only recorded event of Yeshua's later childhood years. It is no coincidence that it occurred at the age of twelve when, according to tradition, a son became responsible for observing the Jewish feasts. Accordingly, Yosef and Miryam traveled to Jerusalem with their son to celebrate Passover and to prepare him for the duties of becoming a Bar Mitzvah. However, this Bar Mitzvah turned out to be rather different from the average one. As the family returned by caravan to their home town of Natzeret, they did not at first realize that their son, Yeshua, had remained behind at the Temple. When they finally tracked him down, they found him where any good Bar Mitzvah boy would be-receiving the blessing of the rabbis, as was common in ancient tradition. It caught everyone's attention that this particular student was amazing even the rabbis with the wisdom of his drashah ("teaching"). Surely this Bar Mitzvah boy was something special, one who would later proclaim himself to be the Messiah. While many of the elements of the traditional Bar Mitzvah are visible in this first-century account, this was a Bar Mitzvah to remember. Yeshua is the perfect example of what a Bar Mitzvah should be. As noted in the New Testament: Even though he was the Son, he learned obedience through his sufferings. And after he had been brought to the goal, he became the source of eternal deliverance to all who obey him ([Messianic Jews] Hebrews 5:8-9). How amazing it is to realize that Yeshua has been the only perfect BarMitzvah in the history of Israel. He has fulfilled all of the Torah on behalf of those who believe in him. WHY SHOULD MY CHILD HAVE A BAR OR BAT MITZVAH?There are many reasons for a child to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. The child who becomes a Bar or Bat Mitzvah publicly expresses a desire to embrace the Word of God, the ways of God as revealed in the Torah, and as understood and expressed by the Messiah Yeshua. The ceremony is also a means to identify with the Jewish culture and heritage that we claim as ours, either by birthright, or by being grafted in (Romans 11). WHO COULD HAVE A BAR OR BAT MITZVAH?All those with a heart-felt love for God, a desire to follow his ways, and who want to adopt a Jewish life-style could have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. WHAT ARE THE PREREQUISITES FOR THE CHILD WHO WILL BECOME A BAR OR BAT MITZVAH?First, there must be a desire to have one, and the commitment to complete the other prerequisites. Second, there is a Bar or Bat Mitzvah curriculum, which ideally begins one year prior to the anticipated time of the ceremony. During that year, there will be several meetings with the Rabbi or Congregational Leader. Third, the prospective Bar or Bat Mitzvah will be required, prior to the ceremony, to study the specific Torah portion, and prepare a speech, to be developed under the supervision of the Rabbi or Congregational Leader. WHAT DOES THE CURRICULUM INCLUDE?The curriculum is divided into several sections. The first section gives an overview of the Bible. The books of the Bible, the order of the books, and their Hebrew names will be covered. The second section is an overview of the history of the Jewish people. The third section is a brief history of Messianic Judaism. The fourth section will be an overview of various Jewish traditions, and how the Messiah interpreted them. The last section will introduce the Hebrew language, in particular, pronunciation and reading skills designed to enable the student to read from theSefer Torah, the Torah scroll. This final section will include one-on-one instruction on an individual basis. HOW LONG BEFORE MY CHILD'S CEREMONY SHOULD WE START PREPARING?The program is designed to begin one year before the anticipated date of the ceremony. At that time, a meeting is arranged between you, the Rabbi or Congregational Leader, and your child. At that time, the commitment to begin is established, and the child will begin the preparation . PRACTICAL GUIDE TO A MESSIANIC BAR/BAT MITZVAH CEREMONYThe following is a suggested order of service bases on the history of, and the New Covenant understanding of, the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah ceremony. Many of these elements are found in the traditional Jewish ceremony. The distinctive of a Messianic ceremony is that it should be reflective of the child's personal commitment to Yeshua. While this ceremony could take place in a home or other building, a Messianic congregation seems to be the most natural expression for this kind of service. Frequently, Jewish believers wait until the last minute to call their congregational leader regarding their child's BarlBat Mitzvah. Although it is commendable that the family has a desire to follow in the tradition of BarlBat Mitzvah, such a ceremony is not something to be taken lightly. in addition to being a time of personal commitment, the BarlBat Mitzvah ceremony is also a time when a commitment is made to an entire religious community (in this case Messianic). The saying "it takes a whole village to raise a child" is apropos to the meaning of Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The ceremony does not reflect a one-day, or even a one-year, commitment, but is a statement of one's philosophy of life. Accordingly, the family needs to make a commitment, long before the ceremony, to a local congregation, Each family should consult with their local Messianic leader for advice. The following worship service has worked well at this author's congregation, Kehilat Ariel: WORSHIP THROUGH MUSIC AND DANCE
WORSHIP THROUGH TRADITIONAL LITURGY (Fischer and Bronstein, Siddur for Messianic Jews is highly recommended; see Conclusion for information on how to obtain it) Introductory Psalms Barkhu/Sh'ma Messianic Reading or Reading from the New Covenant Bar/Bat Mitzvah Ceremony. The child is called to the ark as the Torah service begins. After the appropriate prayers, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah leads the Torah processional through the congregation. The Torah blessings are chanted. The Torah portion is chanted. Seven aliyot ("goings up" to the bimah) are traditional, with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah as the eighth reader. However, it may be simpler if the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the only reader. Haftarah blessings are chanted. The Haftarah portion (in the Prophets) is chanted. The number of verses chanted from either the Torah or Haftarah should be contingent upon the ability of the child. it is much better to properly chant five verses in Hebrew than to do a sloppy job with fifty verses. After the Haftarah section is chanted, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah delivers his or her drashah (short teaching/ speech). During the course of this speech, the child should give a personal testimony of his or her faith in Messiah. This is a great step in fulfilling new religious duties. SYNAGOGUE PRESENTATIONS This may include a certificate and other religious gifts from the sabbath school or congregational family. Mazel tov and other greetings are expressed at this point. LEADER'S MESSAGE It is often an ideal time, especially with the many visitors and guests, to follow up the ceremony with a more expansive message on the theme of the text. CLOSING PRAYER AND SONG KIDDUSH The blessings over the wine and the challah (sabbath bread). This can be followed by a special oneg (joyful celebration) with refreshments at the congregation or reception hall. May every believer have a blessed ceremony in the Messiah Yeshua. May all believers show their love for Yeshua by becoming better sons and daughters of his commandments (see John 14:15).This article used by permission from: God's Appointed Customs By: Barney Kasdan To order a copy of this book: Click Here |
- Skills - Hebrew reading, and Torah/Haftorah chanting
- Jewish Basics - Students learn the names and the historical evolution of Jewish classical texts. They become acquainted with the lives and teachings of central Jewish figures. Students learn the broad timeline of Jewish history. They learn basic concepts in Jewish spirituality. Students solidify their mastery of Hebrew and ritual skills. They learn about the concept of Mitzvah and the meaning of adolescent rites of passage. This Circle is designed to equip the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child with a coherent overview of the Jewish cultural and spiritual landscape.
- Personal Mentorship - The student learns his or her ceremony-specific assignments:
- D'var Torah (speech)
- Torah and/or Haftorah chanting
- Sh'ma and other selected prayers
- A Mitzvah project (community service)
- An integrated set of basic Jewish skills
- A variety of Jewish cultural and spiritual experiences
- A forum for reflection on the student's coming-of-age.
- Bar/Bat Mitzvah track - minimum of 90 minutes
- Private mentorship - minimum of 60 or 90 minutes
- Bar/Bat Mitzvah track - At a participating family's home
- Private mentorship - HLC office
- Hebrew song (5 minutes)
- Hebrew reading and or ritual skills (25 minutes)
- Judaica (45 minutes)
- The Jewish library of classical texts
- Jewish heroes and their stories
- Holiday observance and Jewish calendar
- Values clarification
- God, spirituality, and ethics
- Hebrew song (5 minutes)
- The Jewish library of classical texts (14 sessions)
- Jewish heroes and their stories (6 sessions)
- Holiday observance and Jewish calendar (7 sessions)
- Values clarification (7 sessions)
- Discussion of Jewish adult privileges and responsibilities
- Discussion of Mitzvot - distinguishing Jewish skills and actions.
- Discussion of Jewish identity.
- Discussion of adolescent rite of passage
- Jewish heroes and their stories (5 sessions)
- God, spirituality, and ethics (8 sessions)
- Holiday observance and Jewish calendar (7 sessions) - See above
- Hebrew Hevrutah Series Workbook
- Sim Shalom Siddur
- Humash (Hebrew Bible)
- Ceremony skills (30 minutes)
- Judaica themes (30 minutes)
- Holiday observance and other skills (30 minutes)
- God and Jewish spirituality
- Mitzvah as a model for adult responsibility
- Tzedaka (helping others)
- Torah as sacred book and concept
- Shabbat - the Jewish concept of non-linear time
- "Jewish" - ethnicity, faith, or both?
- Dilemmas related to being Jewish in our time:
- How do I celebrate/practice Judaism when "tradition as I have experienced it" doesn't speak to me?
- Am I Jewish, am I universal, or both? If both, in what proportion?
- One of my parents is born a Jew; the other is born non-Jewish. What does that make me?
- American Jew or Jewish American? Which am I?
- Who cares about Israel, and why?
- Other topics of choice
- Chanting from the Torah
- Reciting Hebrew prayers
- Friday night table rituals: Candle lighting, Kiddush, Hallah blessing
- Tying Tzitzit knots
- Wrapping Tefilin
- Others
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Bar/Bat Mitzvah
A Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony at which Iris Jacobs officiates, assisted by Dr. Marty Abrams, is a moving and deeply spiritual experience. Iris will take your children, no matter how much previous preparation they have had, no matter what their background or their learning capabilities, and help them become confident and well-prepared performers. This is generally accomplished with just a one-half hour lesson per week in Iris’s study in Sharon, MA.
Testimonials Dear Iris, Thank you so much for making Nick’s Bar Mitzvah so memorable. Our guests found the service beautiful and very moving. Our family will always remember how personal and meaningful your ceremony was. Thank you also for your patience and sense of humor. You performed a miracle! Appreciatively, The Calo Family Dear Iris, We’re still enjoying the afterglow of the Bar Mitzvah—greatly enhanced by the video. The beautiful ceremony aptly reflected the persons who conducted it. We will always be grateful for the warmth, understanding, and integrity with which you helped us prepare for the event. May countless boys enjoy Gabe’s good fortune with a Jacobs Bar Mitzvah. Affectionately, Andy and Jane Dear Iris, Believe it or not, I actually liked coming those Thursdays and studying with you. Iris, even though your jokes weren’t always funny, it was still fun to hear them. The service was even better than I expected it would be. I loved all the songs that the Kol Miriam Choir sang. They were great! Everyone loved you and they had many nice comments to say. I will never forget that very special day. I will always cherish the Kiddush Cup that you so generously gave me. Thanks again for making my day special. Love, Zack P.S. We love the video! Iris, Thank you again for all that you have done to bring and ensconce Judaism and a greater spirituality into our family. I can’t tell you the number of our Jewish friends who said that if their rabbi had been more like Iris, they would still be going to Temple today. You have shown us and so many people what spirituality… is supposed to look like. Thank you for that, and how you’ve touched us. Love, The Shapiros Dear Iris, When you first began tutoring my son, Stephen, to prepare him for his Bar Mitzvah, I never dreamed that in less than a year, he and I would both be standing on the bimah before a hundred friends and family members sharing our combined B’nai Mitzvah. Our tutoring sessions were fun and memorable, but they couldn’t prepare us for the emotion and joy we felt at our service. The Kol Miriam Choir enraptured our guests with their glorious music, and the readings, many of which Stephen and I selected, were personal and meaningful to us and all of the participants. Also, for those non-Jews in the congregation, you created a service that they could understand and appreciate. We would not change one word, one musical note, one moment of that wonderful day. With love and gratitude, Sheryl Rosenberg
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For people living at a distance, or in case of inclement weather, Iris is happy to teach by phone. CDs of the Torah and Haftarah portions and required blessings and prayers are personally made by Iris and provided to the student for at-home study. In addition, written copies of all the recorded material are provided in Hebrew, transliteration and translation. On average, preparation time is one school year. This may vary with the previous Hebrew background and preparedness of the child.
Approximately two to three months before the ceremony, Iris begins working with the parent or parents to choose readings for the individual prayer booklets that will personalize the service for the family. These readings not only make each service unique, but also allow for more participation by friends and relatives than would be found in a traditional temple service.
Ceremonies may take place in chapels, hotel facilities and other function rooms, homes, backyards and tents. Iris brings to each service her own full-size Torah and Holy Ark and all the necessary religious accoutrements that will create a chapel-like atmosphere.
The service itself can be tailor-made to fit your family’s preferences and religious ideologies. Your child’s talents are always showcased in their best light.
Woven into the service are the beautiful voices of the _(english).gif)
Life has many firsts. It's part of what makes life exciting. It's part of what keeps us on our toes. And it's part of what throws us into panic and confusion. Am I going to get it right? I've never done this before. And even deeper, what exactly is right?
We are, please God, approaching another first in our family -– our oldest son's Bar Mitzvah. And the questions are flying fast and furious. We know we don't want a "circus" theme or a "baseball" theme. We're not hiring a rock band or a trapeze artist or a belly dancer! But that still leaves plenty of leeway.
How do you enjoy the party and maintain the focus?
How do you enjoy the party and maintain the focus? One of my girls wants all the clothing to be color-coordinated. I said no. One of my children wanted the celebration to be at a hotel. I said no. Another wanted all her friends to come. I said no. And everyone wants to help decide the menu. I said no to that also. But there have to be some yes-es. Not because the celebration is about the material but because everyone wants a piece of the joy.
Everyone is genuinely happy and excited for their brother (when they're not fighting over the computer with him!) and they want as many outlets as possible to express it.
Trying to tread the middle road is a challenge in every aspect of life. Here too. We want it attractive but not ostentatious, joyful but not wild, the food delicious but not extravagant, the clothing dignified but not dramatic (and not outrageously expensive). And we want it meaningful.
UNDERSTANDING WHAT IT MEANS
We want everyone to understand –- especially our son and his siblings -– what a Bar Mitzvah means. It's not about the party. It's not about the gifts. It's not about the band, the dessert or the kiddush. It's not about the beautiful cake our friend Betsy is going to make. And it's not about the bills. (It's not about the bills, it's not about the bills...)
It's about becoming an adult and forging a personal relationship with God. It's about recognizing that inherent in the concept of relationship is the idea of responsibility. And that responsibility is the real joy. Having obligations and using those obligations to connect to the Almighty is the ultimate happiness.
We want our friends and family to think this is the best party ever –- not the best decorations, the most courteous waiters, the most gourmet food, the most exotic setting –- the best party ever because it will teach us what life is really about. What we're really meant to celebrate. Where true joy is attainable. And if we can learn that lesson we want everyone we care about to learn it with us.
We want our family to think it was the best party ever because it taught us what life is really about.
These are all wonderful ideas. But exactly how is this lesson going to be taught?
I know it's not by counting checks. I know that a sense of relief, a suggestion that the "ordeal" is over would be a serious mistake. And the thought that this is an end rather than a beginning would be a tragedy. I know what won't teach the proper perspective. But what will?
One way I hope this lesson is absorbed is through my son's friends. When I've seen the joy of the boys dancing with and for each other at previous Bar Mitzvahs, I've been moved to tears. Their unselfconscious expressions of pure happiness lifted everyone to an appreciation of what the world could be, an excitement about the potential waiting to be unleashed.
Coupled with this are the words of his teachers. Continually exhorting the boys to appreciate the significance of the day and demonstrating to them the pleasure and beauty of a life of wisdom and positive actions, these teachers have primed their students for the new vistas to come. But only by acting on what they've learned, by exhibiting the character commensurate with the wisdom, will the boys begin to forge their own transcendent relationship.
TEACHING BY EXAMPLE
And of course, the most challenging, demanding and effective way to show all our children what it means to have a relationship with God is by our own example (could we go back to talking about the teachers?)
No matter what we say (and we say a lot), our children will learn from our actions.
No matter what we say (and we say a lot), our children will learn from our actions. If we're focused on the centerpieces, they'll be focused on the centerpieces. If we're focused on the banquet hall, they'll be focused on the banquet hall. If we're focused on the guest list, that's where their thoughts will be also.
But if we're concentrating on the awesome responsibility and privilege of raising children who have the opportunity of experiencing a personal relationship with their Creator, if we're infused with warmth of being part of the Jewish people, if we're excited by the opportunity of fulfilling our people's mission in this world, then our children will be also.
Of course the Bar Mitzvah boy must give charity from his gifts. Of course it's very nice to include the poor in your dinner. It's appropriate to think of others and do particular kindnesses for them at this time.
But more important than these grand gestures are the daily acts of caring and honor and respect for others, the daily efforts to grow and become better, the daily striving to use the Almighty's Torah as a tool for drawing every closer to Him. It's being patient in line, it's being respectful to teachers, it's sharing with sisters (yes even sisters!) that truly make the man.
It's a hard example to set. I don't feel up to the task. But we must set our sights high, and pray a lot...
So the preparations continue -– physical and spiritual -– our son will get histefillin and read the Torah portion in shul as he steps over the threshold from childhood to manhood. And we'll all be there to help him on the way. He'll stumble a few times; we all do. But if he internalizes the teaching of the day, if he recognizes the joy of a relationship with the Almighty, if he understands his ability to express that recognition through all his actions, if he's able to communicate that pleasure to those around him, then it will be a great party!
So if you're in Los Angeles the middle of November, join us. We're going to celebrate and grow together and we want to bring everyone we care about along for the ride. In the meantime, I just keep repeating to myself "it's not about the bills, it's not about the bills..."
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http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/965495/jewish/Preventing-Bar-Mitzvah-Boy-Angst.htm
Preventing Bar Mitzvah Boy Angst |
 It was the bar mitzvahShabbat of one of my younger sons, and we were strolling along a perimeter road. My eyes were delighting in the miraculous beauty of springtime, when my daughter's voice broke into my thoughts. "You know, Mum, girls never have to perform like boys do. I can choose if I want to be in the school play, but boys have to read the Torah in front of everyone. Just imagine what it must be like if they are very shy!" I agreed with her, whilst inwardly remembering a lecture I heard in which a rabbi explained that some boys find "performing" in public excruciatingly difficult. "If the boy feels exposed and awkward, don't insist that he read the whole Torah portion in front of the congregation and then lead the prayer service if each syllable he says in public is a fearful and embarrassing torture for him!" the rabbi pleaded. The truth is, a boy will be bar mitzvah'ed whether he performs publicly or notDuring a bar mitzvah ceremony, do you ponder upon those last lead-up weeks that the (still rather little) boy has just been through? Weeks when his time was not his own? When any activity other than practicing for his bar mitzvah was considered a reckless waste of time? The truth is, a boy will be bar mitzvah'ed whether he performs publicly or not. Yet the peer pressure from friends, neighbors, and, in my poor boychik's case, a good crop of infuriatingly successful bigger brothers, disallow the pressured lad from throwing in the towel. In an ideal world, the time period leading up to the bar mitzvah should be a precious time of growth. The bar mitzvah boy should have the leisure to gradually understand what it means to be responsible for one's actions, of becoming obliged to do something, and not just choosing to do it. Yet the month before the bar mitzvah is far from an idyllic, introspective interlude of preparation for the formal acceptance of adulthood. The bar mitzvah boy struggles to fit the often-conflicting tunes for reading the Torah portion into his brain whilst attempting to wrap the stiff, new tefillin straps around his boyish arms, trying not to get too pinched by those still unbending straps of leather. Most bar mitzvah boys must have their parents on edge when they declare, "I'm not doing it!" And then, come bar mitzvah day, these war-fatigued parents are probably dumbfounded at the apparent ease with which their I-can't-do-it son rattles off his portion. Negotiating the pre-bar mitzvah period is an incredibly demanding parenting task: being supportive, making only realistic demands, pulling away from your own desire that your child should do his bit. Don't forget, the child in question is not a child, but an adolescent with all the complications that such a status involves. How do parents maneuver such a time to get through it with minimal damage and hopefully some gain? A solution might be to start the preparations for this momentous occasion not by checking up the name of the Torah portion and arranging a teacher, but by sitting down and having a heart-to-heart talk, agreeing on expectations, working out a realistic timetable of when (and whether) he'll read the Torah publicly, the kiddush event which takes place post his reading of the Torah, the celebratory meal (i.e. the bar mitzvah party), his speech, starting to put on tefillin. As you discuss each event, you can discuss who to invite, what part his schoolmates should play, what does he see as most important, etc. This is the stage, before the time pressure, to work on commitments, learning schedules, etc. This is also the time to have a family cuddle and declare the event a joint venture, where everyone is battling on the same side toward a unified goal. That little child, that growing person, who has been entrusted to my care was about to take on an even fuller responsibilityI think of my bar mitzvah boys, including my brand new, fresh-off-the-press one whose event set me pondering. I think of the precious moments we shared, like the long walk I had with my son on the morning before his bar mitzvah party. We chatted and spent some relaxed moments together—the restful peace before the storm. That little child, that growing person, who has been entrusted to my care was about to take on an even fuller responsibility for his own life. He seems so little. The world out there has so many stumbling blocks and in many ways is so warped, and warping. All I can do is pray, and try to show my children the beauty and truth in living a Jewish life. I feel myself beaming. I threw the candies (as is traditional), the bar mitzvah boy did well, the speech has been said, the catering was tasty, and the guests had plenty to eat. It's over, but we're still smiling. |
